Dasvidaniya, Halloween

Unfortunately, this was not our first postgrad Halloween. Old. So old. Shit, we are old. It was, however, Frances and Tricia’s first Halloween together in more than five years (holy shit). Add Stephanie and Steph into the equation and, well, cue hangover.

Rewind to a few weeks ago when we had no plans for Halloween, no costumes, and Tricia was “boycotting” the holiday. Frances, being the genius that she is, came up with the brilliant idea of doing a group costume of matryoshka dolls, and our plans fell together relatively quickly. Because we are almost perfectly equidistant to each other in terms of height, with Frances pulling a strong lead over lil’ Stephanie and Tricia in the middle, the idea worked perfectly. We picked out the perfect fabric to make our costumes and slaved over sewing them by hand (despite the presence of a perfectly functional sewing machine SMH), bought matching dresses (on sale yabish), all with days (one day) to spare before the main event. What better place to display our handiwork than at The Witches Ball at the Hotel Lafayette? Stephanie, Becca, and Frances went to the same shindig last year and had pretty good and creepy things to say about the night, but this year was promised to be bigger and better than the first.

The rest of our costume was left in the hands of Mommy Tran the night of, who did a pretty fantastic job with our makeup. Our costumes came together quite well, despite a number of people asking what we were supposed to be………………….

 

We ventured over to the Lafayette early to have a few drinx at the new apartment of (ayyyyy) Szy, which we are all extremely jealous of.

Frances ❤ Tricia

Rare size order pic

AYYY szy

A few drinks turned into a copious amount of drinks, and the next thing we knew we were crawling out of coffins and storming the stage with monsters at the Hotel downstairs with strangers. Really though, why are there so many pictures of Tricia with strangers?

Stage life

Strangers and Tricia…

Tricia and Strangers….

We wreaked havoc on the party and made great impressions to all who we encountered. Storming the stage may have been the highlight, but camping out in the hallway outside of Szy’s apartment for almost an hour comes in at a close second.

All downhill from here…

I would love to provide you all with more details, but unfortunately those are strictly confidential and have a very unlikely chance of being revealed any time soon. What I can tell you: we walked to Chippewa (freezing cold, feet bleeding, no sense of direction) and mistook the line outside of Noir (that went out the door and down the block) for the line outside of Jim’s Steakout. Tears may or may not have been shed. Have no fear, we got our Jim’s in a speedy manner and walked back to the car where we so gracefully ate in warmth and then ran home for cover.

Happy November!

Spring in Buffalo (…Where Are You?)

In case you are all living under a rock and didn’t get the announcement, I’ve made the long and tedious drive from Philly to Buffalo for an indefinite period of time. Usually my trips are short and sweet, as I usually have some sort of commitment to hurry back to – whether it’s school or work or celebrationz. Well, for the first time since…winter break 2010 (god damn), I will be settled in the motherland for more than a week consecutively. Mixed feelings about this, considering it has only been six days and I’m already jonesing for a getaway from O’Hara’s Oasis, currently feeling a tad imprisoned as my car (getaway vehicle) is in the shop nearly totaled (black ice incident in PA, my father currently calls me “Crash”), but I do have to admit it’s been nice to see the fam and friendz (or lack thereof) for more than just a day or two at a time.

it pains me to look at this #savethevibe

I arrived on Tuesday night, just in time for Becca’s birthday celebrations (more commonly referred to as the night Bibble tried to kill all of her guests via keg poisoning) which was a riot. Good to see you, too, Patrick…

Wednesday I ventured to the fucking palace Frances is house sitting at (holy shit), and the two of us were greeted with LOTS OF SNOW when leaving the house to get food (why else would we leave the house doe?). And then I proceeded to spend over 24 hours in bed dying and watched hour after hour of Netflix (latest recommendations: Jiro Dreams of Sushi, Tiny Furniture, Zero Dark Thirty (…not on Netflix), and as always, Workaholics). When I finally rose from the dead on Friday, I spent some QT with ma brotha, returning home to over a dozen buffalo police and state troopers searching my yard and the rest of the neighborhood for a fugitive that I was really hiding in my basement.

he found my stash

Thank the lord that my sister was arriving that night to save me from the wrath and constant questioning of my parents; that girl is a life saver…and then I actually (miraculously) managed to stay out past 2am. The rest of the weekend was full of boozy brunch and awkward family functions, until Easter dinner with the McGuire’s, which consisted of lots of wine and really good food and, per usual, #momhatersclub. And the Sabres blowing a 3-1 lead at home but we won’t mention that…

hi martha

Party animals that we are, we donned our Sunday (Saturday?) best (read: sweatpants and slippers) and journeyed one long block away to the bar where we so enthusiastically rang in Easter Sunday with smiles on our faces and tummies full of booze.

lookin good feelin good 2013 #babs

Easter Sunday included a five hour long brunch with my neighborhood fam, which was more realistically an intervention to get me to move home and get a real job. So fun, loved every minute of it. But I DID get an Easter basket with lots of Cadbury Eggs (my fav), drowned my sorrows in mimosas, and then won $6 on $10 worth of scratch-off lottery tix.

Unfortunately, my sister has abandoned me and now I’m alone again with my parents so I guess this is when I get my act in gear and apply for jobs and fix my resume and all that jazz. Hahahahahahahaha… If you need me I’ll be hiding under my covers watching Netflix or constantly checking my bank account for my tax refund. ON THE BRIGHT SIDE I’M GOING TO SEE MEEK MILL ON FRIDAY and in case you couldn’t tell I’m really fucking excited. If I can manage to get there, that is…

An Ode to Andy

I think we all just need to take a minute and appreciate the genius that is Andy Warhol, mostly because I just had a print of his framed and I’m super excited to go put it up in my room.

Poppies for Frances

My room has a ton of Andy Warhol stuff in it. Above my mirror is a small poster….

…which I laugh at every day as I do absolutely nothing to make myself look socially presentable.

My (empty) calendar is Andy Warhol themed:

🙂

But my favorite little piece of Andy in my room is a poster that has only a quote, and it’s a quote that is really pretty fascinating, if you think about it (especially if you consider Warhol’s art and look at it through the lens of this quote).

So, yeah. Andy Warhol is a fucking badass and I felt the need to dedicate an entire post to him (and show all of you the inside of my bedroom 😉 ). He pioneered pop-art, and also produced the Velvet Underground and Nico’s album and made a cool record cover with a banana on it.

I’ll talk for days about him if you want, but now I’m off to the West Side coaches dinner at the Hotel Lafayette (blog post to follow)….whaddup open bar??

Here’s a picture of Andy Warhol with a skull on his head.

this is awesome

 

PS: Shout out to Jochen “the Sniper” Hecht for scoring his first goal in god knows how long (also shout out to Ryan Miller for immediately letting in a goal, eliminating the lead). Go Sabres.

I’ve Got the (Baby) Blues

Frances and I are clearly both suffering from the post-grad blues. We are most definitely not alone though, as every article I come across on Thought Catalog is another depressing story about life in your 20s. Have you ever noticed all of these articles are about why being in your 20s sucks, and none of them are ever like, “Hey, it gets better! There is a light at the end of the tunnel! Your late 20s will be bomb! Here’s how to get out of that post-grad slump (also known as the rest of your life)!” I mean, I am the ultimate pessimist, I won’t even try to hide the fact that a positive thought rarely crosses my mind, but the Internet and my favorite time-killing websites could be a little more upbeat when it comes to this subject. I mean, we’re talking about my life here, and you’re acting like all this bullshit won’t make me want to jump off the Ben Franklin Bridge.

Anyways, I went through a period of about three months where Frances’ post from last week described me to a tee. But now, I have developed post-grad blues of a different variety. But only slightly. I like to think I’ve grown into this stage of blues, but in all reality it is equally as shitty and depressing as it was a few months ago. The ihaveajobkindofbarelylifesucks blues. Or, the Baby Blues. I say “Baby” like it’s a lesser form of the full blown Post-Grad Blues (can we start counting how many times I say “Post-Grad Blues?” …I hate myself), but in reality it is only lesser in the amount of time I have available to pity myself.

you’re all invited to my pity party. BYOpintoficecream

If you don’t know this or haven’t figured it out by now, I am not exactly making the most out of my college degree. Being a Food Marketing major, I had dozens of opportunities to apply for jobs, interviews, internships, blah blah blah. Literally 99% of my classmates had jobs lined up for after graduation…while I kind of just stood there and watched everyone rush by me and leave me in their dust. It’s not that I don’t care. I care about having a job. I care about working, supporting myself, being independent, having a purpose. But at the same time, what’s the rush? Chances are, I will be working behind a desk in an office for the rest of my life. That’s a long ass time (hopefully?). What difference will a couple of months make?

In a bizarre turn of events, I too became one of those students who had a job lined up for after graduation. Who, me? Yeah, this girl. It kind of fell into my lap, it was kind of perfect, and I kind of got screwed over royally. That little sneak peak of 9-5 life was good for the two months it lasted, but when I got fucked over in the end, I realized I didn’t want to be a slave to the cubicle. Not yet at least.

So I spent a couple months (in the summer, thank gawd – could you imagine being this depressed in the winter!? LOL yup.) wallowing in self pity. All-gray outfits were the standard, I usually didn’t leave my apartment (that I could not pay for) for days at a time. I couldn’t afford to eat. I’m pretty sure there was a period of about two weeks where I didn’t once put on makeup, showers were extremely rare. Sigh.

It wasn’t like I had an “AHA!” moment that made me get out of bed, I just got bored. I wasn’t ready to go back on my school’s Career Services website (although I did), so one day I just said “fuck it” and applied for average jobs in my neighborhood. Retail, service, the works. I just walked around the city and schmoozed my resume into their hands. The day after my 22nd birthday, I got a job at a cafe a few blocks from my house. This was in the end of August. I am still working here, 40-50 hours a week, scaring off customers with how much I complain about my shitty existence to them, but I am content. And for that very reason, I have made no effort whatsoever to find a “real” job in my field. I’m paying the bills, I can finally afford to eat again (kind of), I’m busy (I don’t know what to do with myself on days off). But I still don’t have a social life, I still don’t leave bed on days when I don’t have to be at work (when I get home from work I get right into my bed), and the highlight of my week is usually hanging out with my current best friend who may or may not be ten months old.

hello this is me throwing up in the bathroom at work last week because I can’t afford a day off

So yeah, I’ve got the blues. The main difference between mine and Frances’ is that I no longer live with my parents. In fact, even when I couldn’t afford to pay rent, I never move home. I mean, I got really really lucky that I never had to wave the white flag and pack up and shuffle off to Buffalo, but the thought barely even crossed my mind. I was not, I could not move in with my parents. That was just not an option. Not that Frances has it that bad. Think of how much money I would have if I didn’t have to pay rent or buy groceries. I’d have like, a hundred dollars in my bank account right now! But post-grad life is still depressing as fuck. I’m sure if you DO have a “real” job your life is still depressing as fuck. We can’t seem to escape it. I wish I could tell you it will all be over soon, that in retrospect this part of your life won’t even seem like a little hiccup, but according to the rest of the world (okay, maybe just Thought Catalog and other blogs I creep on), that’s not very likely. We are all doomed and will continue to wallow in self-pity in a sea of blankets eating a tub of ice cream (is that just me?) until we decide to get off our asses and do something about it. Effort, that’s all it takes. I’m just not willing to make that effort. Sue me.

best buds 4 lyfe

New Year, Same Me

Well, it’s 2013 everyone! I extend, to all of you, wishes for a happy and healthy New Year.

I, as a rule, don’t have fun on New Years Eve. I think it’s a pointless holiday, and something almost always goes wrong in the elaborate plans that everyone makes for a perfect evening. “WHO AM I GONNA KISS AT MIDNIGHT????????????????” -every girl everywhere (Solution: do as I do and kiss everyone).

More reasons I usually hate New Years Eve: Bars are super crowded, cell phone reception sucks, you always spend far more money than you’d like, someone usually vomits, and champagne makes for a nasty hangover.

Last night, in an unexpected turn of events, I had a lot of fun! The secret to a good New Years, I found out, is not having any grand plans (and also wearing a shirt with skulls on it rather than an uncomfortable dress).

Hey

 

 

So, now as I sit here, only mildly hung over at 9:10 pm, I turn to ponder the more serious topic of New Years Resolutions. I have come to the conclusion that my life is in too much of a state of disaster to be remedied by a simple resolution. Really, my New Years Resolution should be to find a job, make money, and move out of my parent’s house. And those are just the most simple things. Committing to something so daunting is really just setting myself up for failure.

This is the fatal flaw of the concept of a New Years Resolution: By telling yourself you will do something that you have presumably neglected to do for (at least) the past year,  you are almost undoubtedly going to fail. Sorry people, it’s true, and I’m just calling it like I see it. Why do you think gyms offer such cheap memberships this month? Because every single person in the world today is vowing to join a gym and get in shape. 3/4 of these people will cancel their gym memberships by March.

Set goals for yourself, by all means. Make a to do list, do what you set out to do. But we are all the same person we were yesterday. “New Year, New Me” is without a doubt one of the most infuriating and naive sayings of all time.

So, here is a list of possible New Years Resolutions that I made for myself, and the reasons why I realized I would never commit to them.

1. Be Nicer to people

The other night, I said ‘I just want a New Years Resolution that’s easy to commit to…..maybe I’ll try to be nicer to people!’ As soon as I said it I realized that, especially for me, this would be the most difficult resolution of all. Next.

2. Drink Less

…..Next

3. Get back in shape

Ok, this is (realistically) the only thing on my list that I will probably do. But my big athletic comeback was inevitable, and cannot be attributed to or inspired by the New Year

4. Stop drinking Diet Coke

I really wish I could do this. I do not have the willpower. This morning I woke up craving Diet Coke, sometimes I even dream that I am chugging glass after glass of delicious, calorie-free (cancer causing) goodness. I support my own addiction, I stand by my logic when I say I could be addicted to far worse things.

5. Stop drinking coffee

This flashed across my brain for a second, then I just laughed.

So, that’s all I could think of, really. I wish all of you the best of luck in maintaining your resolutions. Really, I do (but you won’t succeed).

 

I’ll leave you with this.

Yuletide Greetings

Admittedly I have been slacking lately. To be completely honest, the only reason I’m posting right now is because my partner in all things Team Awesome (Cecelia) and her friend have started a RIVAL BLOG! Nothing fuels productivity like competition, at least that’s what I’ve heard. So be sure to check out their blog, but make sure you know where your true loyalties lie….

Last night my aunt Mags arrived from New Mexico, which only means one thing (actually it means a lot of things, including lots of “festive drinks” and unwanted walks): Christmas is just around the corner!

Maybe it’s because it was 50 degrees on Monday, or maybe it’s because we had to wait for my little brother to get home from school to get our tree, but Christmas has taken me completely by surprise this year. That means I have done zero shopping, minus one small gift. I don’t even know what to put on my OWN list, which is extremely dangerous in my case because leaving the gift-picking up to my mother usually results in me fake smiling (which I’m really bad at) and fake thankyou-ing as I hold up a sweater that I will immediately stuff into the depths of my closet.

So, for all of you who are as lost as I am this year, here are some things I think are cool (feel free to buy me any or all of these things). If you still haven’t told your parents what you want (or you are a terrible parent who hasn’t ordered things for your children) , be warned that today is the last day to order on many sites to get delivery by Christmas!!

The only thing I have on my list thus far is this watch by Michael Kors. I know Michael Kors watches are cliche, but I think this one is so cool….

mmmm

Order this bad boy here.

Yesterday whilst shopping with Szy for his mother, I was convinced by a very nice store clerk to try on a Barbour jacket. She raved about how good it would look on me, so even after cringing a little at the price tag, I put it on. She was right. As soon as I am done writing this post I am going to go kneel in front of my mother, kiss her feet, and beg her to buy me this jacket. It’s super warm, and the fabric almost, but not quite, looks like leather. Classic Barbour + motorcycle jacket….I’m in love.

Barbour Speedway International Jacket

Pretty much everything from Madewell I want, and you can find gifts in all price ranges on their website. I am lusting after this sweater, and these earrings. also be sure to check out their iPhone cases, because they are really cute.

Madewell Jackalope Sweater

Mini Bow Studs

And, for the love of god, can someone PLEASE buy me this bracelet??? I will love you forever. Contact me for my shipping information

Just give it to me now

 

These (and anything at all from Sephora) are the gifts I’m personally lusting after from the internet. However, I highly suggest getting out in your own community and supporting local businesses! Go buy someone a book at your local bookstore, or when it all comes down to it, nothing can beat a gift card to a neighborhood cafe. That said, I’m off to eat lunch and frantically search for gifts for those near and dear to my heart.

 

Why I love Diplo

Today I decided I want to marry Diplo. I think subconsciously I have always known this, but today as I listened to this mix , I fully understood my feelings as my love bubbled to the surface. After that, I spent a good chunk of the day googling pictures of Diplo and deciding which one to make my phone background. I decided on this:

yes please

So, here are some reasons I love Diplo, in no particular order:

-He dated M.I.A.

gurl is killin’ it

I’m pretty sure he hates her now and calls her out for being terrible on the regular, but she is my ultimate girl crush. He also produced a lot of the songs on Kala, including Paper Planes, which is kinda cool.

-He’s funny

This is he funniest video ever. I can’t you how many times I’ve watched it. Listen to his voice, it’s so deep and manly. Also Riff Raff and Dirt Nasty are hilarious. His twitter is also hilarious. follow him @diplo

 

We are Farmers

 

-Major Lazer

is the greatest. Everyone should listen to Original Don.  Anyone responsible for the Pon De Floor video is cool in my book. (Side note: I saw Major Lazer in concert this spring, and they actually did this dance on stage.) If you haven’t seen this video, you actually have to drop whatever you’re doing and watch it right this instant. I can’t put the video in this post because you have to verify your age to watch it, but CLICK THIS LINK and prepare to be super weirded out.

-He’s attractive

This man has it all. His looks don’t hurt either. From my extensive google image searching over the years, I have come to the conclusion that he is a really sharp dresser, which is obviously important to me.

Loving the t shirt

-He’s talented

He’s a good DJ. If you trust my taste in music (which you should), give him a listen if you haven’t. For starters you can check out his BBC Radio show, Diplo and Friends , which features other DJ’s worth listening to, as well.

 

That’s whats on my mind today y’all. If anyone has Diplo’s number, let me know.

 

Don’t Wear Uggs in the Snow (or ever): What I really learned at College

Greetings, friends and lovers (and a big shout out to all my worst enemies)!

Somebody take us tanning, STAT.

I have just emerged from my Thanksgiving food coma (…/hangover), and I hope you can say the same for yourselves. The holiday was, of course, beautiful and eventful. Mostly I just enjoy Thanksgiving because my friend count increases exponentially for a few days. The highlights of the week would probably be walking a mile back to my house in heels with Tricia after a few too many glasses of pinot grigio at the City Honors Crew cocktail party, running the Turkey Trot while trying my hardest not to vomit**, and the gravy that my mom made on Thanksgiving.

**pre-turkey trot…feeling good

Now on to the main point.

The past couple of weeks, I have been studying for the GRE. This was all going pretty well, and I thought there was no way I wasn’t going to get a perfect score, until yesterday….when I turned to the math section of my review book.

Adding fractions?! Good thing I know how to do that….not. Today as I struggled to remember what the fuck factoring is, I got to thinking about what I’ve been doing for the past 4 years. In some ways, I’m fairly certain that I know less than when I left for Cornell oh-s0-long ago. Sure, my Ivy League education taught me some valuable things, but at what price (A BIG ONE, I CAN TELL YOU THAT MUCH)? So, instead of spending 200 grand on your own ivy-league education, I’m going to write a list of the most important things I learned at school.

WHAT I REALLY LEARNED AT COLLEGE

by Frances.

GO BIG RED

1. Don’t wear Uggs in the snow. 

In Shithaca, it snows from September-May. In the (extremely rare) event that it is NOT snowing, it is, without a doubt, raining. My freshman year, I was certain that a brand new pair of Ugg boots were just what the doctor ordered. Fast forward to one week later and I’m arriving (late) to class after trekking a mile through the snow with puddles in my beautiful new boots. Great. Not only are Uggs hideous, they are not appropriate for the great outdoors. Buy a pair of bean boots for the snow, and a pair of hunters for the rain. Just do it.

Me walking to class every day

2. Professors are your friends (usually).

Since I’m like really shy and stuff, and like to think of myself as more intelligent than I am in actuality, I was never one to really talk to my professors outside of class. Last spring, someone stuck a wrench in my gears and a bunch of things went horribly wrong at once. It became very necessary for me to reach out to all of my professors, and all of them were (SURPRISE) super nice. I probably should have taken advantage of this sooner, I could have gotten extensions on a lot more papers. (Things not to do: get an extension on a paper from your TA because you “have the flu,” then see him at the Palms 2 hours later.)

3. Don’t wear sweatpants to class 

Self explanatory. Unless you’re a male athlete.

4. Buffalo has the best nightlife schedule

Can someone please explain to me why bars at Cornell close at 1? 1 am is the peak hour in a night out. When the lights come on at 12:45, it is the worst thing ever. Going out at school is an art. If you’re trying to get drunk, and make the most of your night, you have to start drinking at 9 pm. This poses a problem for me, because I like to have dinner and then spend 3 hours getting ready at the pace of a sloth. Nights I spent out at school, I would often find myself in bed hours earlier than the nights I spent doing my homework. Luckily, now I’m home in Buffalo where I can stay out until 4.

5. Don’t take classes people say are hard.

They will be hard. You might fail.

6. Caffeine is your friend.

If you know me, you know how much coffee I drink. Last spring, I would down about 80 oz of coffee a day. I spent more time at Starbucks than I did in my own bed. This is not a joke. Coffee is your friend, and if you don’t drink it, you will be a zombie. Pick a cafe that you like, and go there every day. The baristas will eventually know your order and you won’t spend as much time in line. 5 hour energy is great if you need to wake up fast, although I read the other day that it has recently been linked to a bunch of deaths….

ROCKET FUEL

7. Don’t do the walk of shame.

Get a ride.

don’t do this.

8. You can order milkshakes online.

And they will deliver them to you. This was the greatest discovery I made in all of college. I cannot tell you how much I miss my nightly Pumpkin Praline shake. And my saturday afternoon omelet/quesadilla from Jacks. ORDER FOOD, YOU DON’T EVEN HAVE TO GET UP OFF THE COUCH (except when you open the door for the delivery guy). Look on grubhub.com if you’re still in school.

9. YOLO

Drizzy said it best (duh). But actually, live it up while you can. If you want to do something, just do it. You might regret it for a few days, but in the grand scheme of things it won’t matter. If you want to quit the rowing team, QUIT THE ROWING TEAM (things I sometimes regret). If you want to get wasted on a Tuesday morning, go for it. You will miss college, no matter how much you hate staying up and writing papers, so do what you can while you can.

10. If you want a real job right out of college, don’t study liberal arts.

This is the sad truth. But if you want to study something really interesting, then you should study liberal arts!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Also if you go to Cornell you should study liberal arts, because the arts quad is pretty. You still won’t have a job, though.

Pretty does not equal jobs

The end.

Thoughts on November

• No-Shave November, Movember, whatever your excuse is for growing nasty facial hair (and hating it just as much as the rest of us hate looking at it), it’s lame and it should stop. Right now. Unless it is actually for a charity in which case, keep up the good work – cheating is for pussies!
• I guess with the beginning of November comes the beginning of the Holiday Season? Most chain stores (Target, Rite Aid) already have their Christmas decorations out – which I will always disagree with, but I can always fuck with a Thanksgiving countdown! The best holiday of the year is three weeks away and I cannot WAIT to drive six hours in a car with a complete stranger and a Spaniard (JK I can totally live without that happening..), embarking on the long (but Meek Mill makes it go by so much quicker) journey to the best city in all the land, and finally reuniting with my long lost ibble friendz.
• Does this mean I’m supposed to turn the heat on in my apartment? When I was growing up, we used to have to BEG my mother to turn the furnace on before “November 1st!” ..but now that it’s November 1st, my heat is not on (let’s hope it works..) and I haven’t even thought about needing to turn it on yet. Obviously not tryna pay that natural gas bill… I don’t even remember what it’s like to have heat. Gay Street had a furnace from the 1700s that was always out of oil, and before that 2054 was just as bad – the entire basement would fill up with smoke and gas if the furnace was turned on. Heat is a luxury for me.
• The return of bulky scarves, oversized sweaters, and tall boots. I find so much joy (and ease) in getting dressed during the fall and early winter. Before it becomes unbearable to undress in the cold temperatures of whichever house I am currently living, I find it kind of fun to dress myself in as many layers as I can fit on my body. Nothing is more flattering (or forgiving) as an XXL wool sweater that comes down to your knees (except it’s not flattering at all…just comfortable so fuck off). The line is very thin between looking like a homeless person and looking like an Olsen twin (on a good day), so careful not to overdo your laziness and try to look somewhat put together.

And some other thoughts, that have nothing to do with November:

• Why do people ask me to borrow money? Can they not tell I am drowning in debt and can barely afford my own rent? I know they’re not going to pay me back, and that is exactly why they ask me – I’m weak, I’m vulnerable, and hell, I have a huge problem saying no. FUCK OFF! Stop asking me to “front you” money, pay me back on time, and I will try my best not to alienate you for the rest of our lives.
• You know those people that are just naturally lucky? Like, they enter a giveaway on a website or radio station with hundreds of thousands of entries, and they win. They buy a scratch off at the gas station; they win. Walking down the street, they find $50 cash on the sidewalk. Put on a coat from last winter for the first time, find $20 in the pocket. These people. You know at least one of them. WHY CAN’T THIS BE ME!?
• I have the really strong urge to curl up in a ball under lots of covers and sleep for the rest of eternity. Who knows why I am so bitter but that would probably explain the really pessimistic ihateeveryone tone to this post. Sorry, it will pass…I think. Blame Sandy.

Happy November! Remember to shave. And to everyone from Buffalo: go home for Thanksgiving. I want to see you. Even you, Drawde.

Hurricane $andy

Just kidding. I don’t give a shit about a stupid ass hurricane that has forced me into quarantine with a bottle of vodka and a gallon of ice cream. I’m sure you’re just as sick of hearing about it as I am. Let’s not talk about how I walked fifteen minutes to work today in the pouring rain (and gusting wind…which almost broke my umbrella and water damaged my phone #firstworldproblems) only to find out we had already closed for the day. Thanks for the courtesy text! So I puddle jumped my fifteen minutes back home and dried out ma boots, poured myself a stiff drink, and turned OFF the weather channel. #bye Sandy. So instead of talking all things Sandy (even though I just did…), here’s a fun little tidbit for all you funemployed bloggie minions out there. The start of a “How To” series that you will surely see more of on Notorious BABs in the future.

hayyy

 

How To: Be a Bad Bitch on a Budget

1. Never underestimate the power of free things. BOGO, free samples, giveaways, you name it. Your meals will consist of free sushi samples at Whole Foods and canned soup your parents bought for you three months ago, but you will survive and maybe drop a few pounds if you’re lucky. Being frugal in some areas allows you to spend more in other areas, where it counts. Like new bootz or booze.

2. Sign up for as many credit cards as you can get approved by and max them all out as fast as possible. When it comes time to make payments…ups. Answering the phone to debt collectors (or in general) is overrated anyways. Even if they call you seven (literally) times a day. Note: most credit cards will give you a certain amount of your credit line that you are able to withdraw in cash. It may cost $10 every time you take out money, but if you’re desperate this will suffice. Interest rates for this fancy little feature are horrendous though, so be wary.

3. There is no shame in picking change up off the ground or from under couch cushions. A nickel and dime here and there can really add up. Stephanie and I have mastered the art of paying for movies in change. However, that was back in the day when going to the movies wasn’t the monetary equivalent of making a payment on your mortgage.

4. Buy in bulk. Not always in large quantities, but in the bulk bins. This is actually a legitimate money-saving trick. Things like oats, rice, beans, and popcorn kernels are significantly cheaper here than in other parts of the store. Trust me, I stocked on on pcorn kernels last night (hurricane essentials duh) and I forrealz bought 1 pound for less than 2 dollars. That’s what’s up.

5. Go shopping in your parents’ cabinets. Every time I go to my parents’ house I come back with a car full of doodads. Everything from toilet paper to bottled water, hummus to dental floss. So much money saved to spend on more fun things…like wine. Or cheese. Or just wine. Thanks mom and dad!

Just because you’re broke as hell doesn’t mean you can’t be a bad bitch. You don’t have to look like a ratchet hoe even if your bank account does. Pinching pennies in certain places can prolong your stay on the #funemployment train for a little while longer. And who wouldn’t love that!?

 

Stay safe, Amurica. Peace out, Sandy.

I’m going to get blown away for talking so much shit on this frankenstorm.